Dad passed away

Today is Saturday June and I was with Joel Treadwell, Brianna, Keri and Isaac. Was so nice to be with them. Keri's dad died a year ago too.

Went to Arab festival and spoke with several people had great time.

On Wednesday I asked God the Father to be my Father and do something special for me. That night the YWAM group from Finland and Israel. Paul brought them to Agostinos they ate and then they sang with me Kadosh. It was great

I got 1,500 from Tom Doyle ministry for the video.

I feel like God is near for my situation with Dad having passed away...

I performed at Gypsy Den; Agostinos, Barnoa, Bogarts where I did my new song for Dad and other songs in his honor.

There was also a chance for me to go to Tres Dias. I was there with the Korean Church. I stood up and confessed my immorality and hard heart.
While I was there -- the third day -- Dad died. Nasri sent me a message. I called Najat. The next day Dhabiya; Susu; Adleh; Tawfiq; Akram called me. Rita also called me.

Everyone has been wonderful.

I called Najwa and spoke with her....

dad is sick again

All of Yusra's chidlren are in the iblad with Dad. He had another stroke and is in the hospital. Najat told me dad is ta'baan. Nassri called adn told me hes going to be back in the iblad until the 30th. I am not sure I'm going.


I think they want me to go.


the fact that they're all there tells me somethign is serious

back home

I've been back a few weeks now. Locked myself in my house on the leather couch that Randy got for me and did translation and made two thousand dollars. the computer kept working

thank God. Since then i got two sofas. I was going to Jaleel's house for his birthday and I got lost and saw two sofas for free.. nice brown ones.

I told Andrew and he helped me with his black truck to bring the sofas.

I am sitting on them now. Very nice. Haleluay

I was at Gypsey Den today Aaron was ncie to me

I sang Simple Man

i did Rub Inte Qareeb

Listening to RAshid ---

lots of reason for jealousy etc.

had dream "Two turtles died." One turtle I think survived.
I sent Karen a message to come over after the show. She had plans to go to church

i'm feeling longing to be with her and emptiness that only happens when you get close enough to feel longing

Father help me.

when I had the dream I felt like the Holy Spirit cares about my marraige He's as concerned about it as Mom is and more

went to Gypsey Den and did Simple Man with harmonica. I thought it was OK not rapturous response. then did Rabi inte Qareeb

the sadness

leaving is so painful
I have to turn my emotions down
like when i'm so tired and
i can't keep control of my emotions
i just tell myself to not listen to them
they are tired they are frayed
they can't be relied on for now
they just can't be

dad yesterday acted in a way
different from before
he wanted to keep his shoes on
he wanted to be ready to leave
i contacted Najat
she said she was scared to go out so late
i just wanted to tel her what was happening
i didn't want her to do anything

today dad wouldn't take off his pants
or his belt
he got angry at me in that way
and squeezed my hands with his nails
it was a look of "don't you understand
don't you know why i cant take my pants off

maybe he's dreaming of brazil
maybe he thinks he'll just float back there
to the green fields of rio grande de sol
the gaucho with his mate and his cowboy hat

maybe he'd think of his younger days
when he could take a ship to faraway
and find a beautiful young lad to marry
and to fly up to the golden coast

maybe he's dreaming of california
with its farmlands and farmhands
who can't make it to the city
so he can be their access to the clothing store

maybe he's dreaming of the golden gate
towering and high above the city scape
an unattainable dimension you can gaze upon
admire, wonder but never really touch

maybe he's dreaming of his boyhood days
shepherding his lambs with family
taking warm bread to the strangers nearby
and getting in return all sorts of vegetables

maybe he's dreaming of my mother
who shared a decade with him then went on
and left him with his old ways that didn't want to change
he'd follow them until this bitter end

maybe he's just dreaming of brazil
maybe he'd think of his younger days
when he could take a ship to faraway
and find a beautiful young lad to marry

sitting in baranda

was sitting alone in baranda and sarah's son Khaled came over
he is divorcing his wife and she is keeping the kids

he said she has a boyfriend and talks about Jesus not Islam

went with dad to bir nabala and Najat and anoos. Saw Nasser, Dianna and Simon.

am leaving tomorrow. found out that Ihmaydi is coming the 29th that comforted my heart

everyone seems happier than yesterday

Dad wouldn't take off his clothes. He is fully dressed and even has the belt on. when I tried to take it off he got real angry and started cutting me with his fingernails.

Yusra is praying next to me now

went and bought two bottle of Bavaria...

tomorrw the plan is to take dad for can. shot and then to go meet with Pastor Monir and Michael to go to Ramleh

maybe will get to attend on more service before I leave

medi cal

wondering aabout moving dad back to the US to California for senior treatment

depression

i don't know if its depression

today I went to church, sunday service and afterwards we went out to an awesome fish restaurant with the whole church. but i wasn't enjoying anything. the joy is there beneath the ground and it peeps its head but the depression seems like a layer of fog

hard to rise above it.

i know part of it is wondering what Yusra's reaction is going to be when she finds out i'm leaving Tuesday

i don't know she may already know

im dreading telling her
 yNajat came over and Yusra asked why I was leaving her alone. I didn't answer here when Najat and kids were here

it got pretty messy and stressed out

I spoke with Yusra afterward and she was very understanding and . i told her i was sick last year nad how Ihmaydi called me and why I told him. It went pretty well

she started crying i hugged her.

i feel a little bad but its true i agreed to come until the 24 and Ihmydi agreed

dad just got up and had his shoes on and was trying to put his pants on

i took him outside its 1030 at night. it was very hard. i wrote to Najat to help

she said she is scared to go out now

its cold and dark

finally i got dad to go to sleep fully clothed he is snoring now

i ate ihwayra sandwich and mamoul cookie and am drinking non alcoholic beer



am sitting listening to IHOP live streamed worship

dad's still snoring.

Najat said some really mean things I supposed out of frustration i didn't respond I was in the bathroom with dad when she said those things in front of her kids


later i texted her about dads behavior and she responded

i was scared to be in this situation. it felt like another set up like the the last time but it wasn't as bad
no mainpulation. Yusra seemmed to accept that I was leaving. When I spoke to her she went on a long spiel about Amo Isa and how he treated her so long ago and Fatima and everyone

she really went through it. I think she enjoys telling me about it

i hugged her and put my head on hers