the sadness

leaving is so painful
I have to turn my emotions down
like when i'm so tired and
i can't keep control of my emotions
i just tell myself to not listen to them
they are tired they are frayed
they can't be relied on for now
they just can't be

dad yesterday acted in a way
different from before
he wanted to keep his shoes on
he wanted to be ready to leave
i contacted Najat
she said she was scared to go out so late
i just wanted to tel her what was happening
i didn't want her to do anything

today dad wouldn't take off his pants
or his belt
he got angry at me in that way
and squeezed my hands with his nails
it was a look of "don't you understand
don't you know why i cant take my pants off

maybe he's dreaming of brazil
maybe he thinks he'll just float back there
to the green fields of rio grande de sol
the gaucho with his mate and his cowboy hat

maybe he'd think of his younger days
when he could take a ship to faraway
and find a beautiful young lad to marry
and to fly up to the golden coast

maybe he's dreaming of california
with its farmlands and farmhands
who can't make it to the city
so he can be their access to the clothing store

maybe he's dreaming of the golden gate
towering and high above the city scape
an unattainable dimension you can gaze upon
admire, wonder but never really touch

maybe he's dreaming of his boyhood days
shepherding his lambs with family
taking warm bread to the strangers nearby
and getting in return all sorts of vegetables

maybe he's dreaming of my mother
who shared a decade with him then went on
and left him with his old ways that didn't want to change
he'd follow them until this bitter end

maybe he's just dreaming of brazil
maybe he'd think of his younger days
when he could take a ship to faraway
and find a beautiful young lad to marry