depression

i don't know if its depression

today I went to church, sunday service and afterwards we went out to an awesome fish restaurant with the whole church. but i wasn't enjoying anything. the joy is there beneath the ground and it peeps its head but the depression seems like a layer of fog

hard to rise above it.

i know part of it is wondering what Yusra's reaction is going to be when she finds out i'm leaving Tuesday

i don't know she may already know

im dreading telling her
 yNajat came over and Yusra asked why I was leaving her alone. I didn't answer here when Najat and kids were here

it got pretty messy and stressed out

I spoke with Yusra afterward and she was very understanding and . i told her i was sick last year nad how Ihmaydi called me and why I told him. It went pretty well

she started crying i hugged her.

i feel a little bad but its true i agreed to come until the 24 and Ihmydi agreed

dad just got up and had his shoes on and was trying to put his pants on

i took him outside its 1030 at night. it was very hard. i wrote to Najat to help

she said she is scared to go out now

its cold and dark

finally i got dad to go to sleep fully clothed he is snoring now

i ate ihwayra sandwich and mamoul cookie and am drinking non alcoholic beer



am sitting listening to IHOP live streamed worship

dad's still snoring.

Najat said some really mean things I supposed out of frustration i didn't respond I was in the bathroom with dad when she said those things in front of her kids


later i texted her about dads behavior and she responded

i was scared to be in this situation. it felt like another set up like the the last time but it wasn't as bad
no mainpulation. Yusra seemmed to accept that I was leaving. When I spoke to her she went on a long spiel about Amo Isa and how he treated her so long ago and Fatima and everyone

she really went through it. I think she enjoys telling me about it

i hugged her and put my head on hers