the sadness

leaving is so painful
I have to turn my emotions down
like when i'm so tired and
i can't keep control of my emotions
i just tell myself to not listen to them
they are tired they are frayed
they can't be relied on for now
they just can't be

dad yesterday acted in a way
different from before
he wanted to keep his shoes on
he wanted to be ready to leave
i contacted Najat
she said she was scared to go out so late
i just wanted to tel her what was happening
i didn't want her to do anything

today dad wouldn't take off his pants
or his belt
he got angry at me in that way
and squeezed my hands with his nails
it was a look of "don't you understand
don't you know why i cant take my pants off

maybe he's dreaming of brazil
maybe he thinks he'll just float back there
to the green fields of rio grande de sol
the gaucho with his mate and his cowboy hat

maybe he'd think of his younger days
when he could take a ship to faraway
and find a beautiful young lad to marry
and to fly up to the golden coast

maybe he's dreaming of california
with its farmlands and farmhands
who can't make it to the city
so he can be their access to the clothing store

maybe he's dreaming of the golden gate
towering and high above the city scape
an unattainable dimension you can gaze upon
admire, wonder but never really touch

maybe he's dreaming of his boyhood days
shepherding his lambs with family
taking warm bread to the strangers nearby
and getting in return all sorts of vegetables

maybe he's dreaming of my mother
who shared a decade with him then went on
and left him with his old ways that didn't want to change
he'd follow them until this bitter end

maybe he's just dreaming of brazil
maybe he'd think of his younger days
when he could take a ship to faraway
and find a beautiful young lad to marry

sitting in baranda

was sitting alone in baranda and sarah's son Khaled came over
he is divorcing his wife and she is keeping the kids

he said she has a boyfriend and talks about Jesus not Islam

went with dad to bir nabala and Najat and anoos. Saw Nasser, Dianna and Simon.

am leaving tomorrow. found out that Ihmaydi is coming the 29th that comforted my heart

everyone seems happier than yesterday

Dad wouldn't take off his clothes. He is fully dressed and even has the belt on. when I tried to take it off he got real angry and started cutting me with his fingernails.

Yusra is praying next to me now

went and bought two bottle of Bavaria...

tomorrw the plan is to take dad for can. shot and then to go meet with Pastor Monir and Michael to go to Ramleh

maybe will get to attend on more service before I leave

medi cal

wondering aabout moving dad back to the US to California for senior treatment

depression

i don't know if its depression

today I went to church, sunday service and afterwards we went out to an awesome fish restaurant with the whole church. but i wasn't enjoying anything. the joy is there beneath the ground and it peeps its head but the depression seems like a layer of fog

hard to rise above it.

i know part of it is wondering what Yusra's reaction is going to be when she finds out i'm leaving Tuesday

i don't know she may already know

im dreading telling her
 yNajat came over and Yusra asked why I was leaving her alone. I didn't answer here when Najat and kids were here

it got pretty messy and stressed out

I spoke with Yusra afterward and she was very understanding and . i told her i was sick last year nad how Ihmaydi called me and why I told him. It went pretty well

she started crying i hugged her.

i feel a little bad but its true i agreed to come until the 24 and Ihmydi agreed

dad just got up and had his shoes on and was trying to put his pants on

i took him outside its 1030 at night. it was very hard. i wrote to Najat to help

she said she is scared to go out now

its cold and dark

finally i got dad to go to sleep fully clothed he is snoring now

i ate ihwayra sandwich and mamoul cookie and am drinking non alcoholic beer



am sitting listening to IHOP live streamed worship

dad's still snoring.

Najat said some really mean things I supposed out of frustration i didn't respond I was in the bathroom with dad when she said those things in front of her kids


later i texted her about dads behavior and she responded

i was scared to be in this situation. it felt like another set up like the the last time but it wasn't as bad
no mainpulation. Yusra seemmed to accept that I was leaving. When I spoke to her she went on a long spiel about Amo Isa and how he treated her so long ago and Fatima and everyone

she really went through it. I think she enjoys telling me about it

i hugged her and put my head on hers

its been a while

i preached last sunday. am leaving Tuesday

it is passover week and the borders are closed

i have only 20 dollars left in my checking account

just had breakfast with dad

countdown five days
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
Monday
Tuesday

on Tuesday i have to go to take dad to hospital for c shot with Najat. it seems to have worked or helped

from 88 the psa or something like that went to 12
it should be 4
but the drop is significant and the doctor i spoke with yesterday told me it is very good

its a cold day. last night it was freezing in Ramallah and I was standing out there in just a short sleeve shirt and the blue flannel shirt. my fingers were freezing

i was invited by Hanna to have lunch with Pastor Monir and the kids from the school on Sunday..i said I would have to see how my dad is though I would like to go


been a rough couple of days

last night dad was restless. i wonder if he knows i'm leaving and is frustrated. I don't know.

how much does he know?

how much is he capable of caring about....

is it only simple basic issues that concern him -- food, warmth, society, going to bathroom,

he gets angry well..

he doesn't like it when we minimize his feelings or reaction....

i tried to get dad dressed to take him out but Yusra says let him sleep to where he stays up to 11 pm tonight. i don't like

am like plaster face now. wanted to take dad out Yura won't agree

today is Friday my least favorite day here. its either too quiet or too noisy.

I was trying to go out and so much pressure Y not to go out with him to the store. I deceided grudgingly to stay in and then she said if you want to go to Akel get water.

N. called for me to take car and take dad out

Dad came out and with the cane with four spikes on the bottom. and we walked up to Habsis house and he stopped. I said do you want to go back and he said go back  (irja')

we came in.

am inside now waiting for lunch so we can go out in the car

Paul Frizzel posted this

talked to Pastor Monir about closure and he said taht I could go with them to Ramleh on Tuesday and then go straigth to airport with Michael

told Najat about Tuesday. she said we can go to Bir Nabala tomorrow to see Nasser and Diana's place

Rabbinic sources such as Midrash Tanhuma Lekh Lekhah 6, Targum Yonatan to Exodus 14:1, and Eruvin 53a^[5]:2 identify Amraphel with Nimrod. This is also asserted in the 11th chapter of the Sefer haYashar, attested from the early 17th century:

And Nimrod dwelt in Babel, and he there renewed his reign over the rest of his subjects, and he reigned securely, and the subjects and princes of Nimrod called his name Amraphel, saying that at the tower his princes and men fell through his means.

— Sefer haYashar 11

Genesis Rabbah 42 says Amraphel was called by three names: Cush, after his father's name (Gen. 10:8), Nimrod, because he established rebellion (mrd) in the world, and Amraphel, as he declared (amar) "I will cast down" (apilah).

Arioch and Eleasar[edit]

Some historians have placed the area where Arioch ruled in Asia Minor, but theories as to its specific locations differ, with some claiming it was in Pontus while others cite Cappadocia and Antioch.^[5] There are also sources which associated Ellasar with the kingdom of Larsa and suggested that Arioch could be one of its kings called Eri-Aku, an Akkadian translation for the name Rim-Si, where rim meant servant and Sin is the Semitic name of the moon god (Agu or Aku in Akkadian).^[6]

By the 20th century, this theory became popular so that it was common to identify Arioch with Eriaku — through the alternative reading of either Rim-Sin or his brother Warad-Sin, who were both believed to be contemporary with Hammurabi.^[7]

Chedorlaomer, also spelled Kedorlaomer (/ˌkɛdərˈleɪəmər/; Hebrew: כְּדָרְלָעֹמֶר, Modern: Kədarla'ōmer, Tiberian: Keḏārelā'ōmer, Ancient:Keḏārelāġōmer), is a king of Elam in Genesis 14.^[1] Genesis portrays him as allied with three other kings,^[2] campaigning against five Canaanite city-states in response to an uprising in the days of Abraham.

watching Kathryn Kuhlman

been a few days

its 2 p.m. i am thinking of going to Ramallah. i have no money

i can't buy a cup of coffee

went and got 200 shekels and taught Amira how to use atm -- she also got 200 shekels
then I bought a cup of coffee.

am back at the house

dad wanted to sleep in teh bed that's where he is now

i'm sitting next to him watching him. am a bit resentful that Yusra asked me to do this

but i'm ok

been a few days since i reported here
i preached on Sunday about the Tees of Abraham...afterwards Mohammed's wife said she had a dream about fleeing her home with the kids befoer it collapsed. Nasser told her it was like my message which included mention of Lot.

Diana did seem overly excited with my preaching.

my anger at Yusra is a problem. it usually happens when I come back from Ramallah after a day away. things were great yesterday but when I come back, she is playing quran on tv. i feel like she is doing it to iritate me

kind of wanted to go to a wedding today here in the village. i don't know anyone and I dont' have money to give

not sure if i should go. am feeling bad sitting here all day with dad

was going to go sit in front of akel but they are doin their carpet sale and i don't feel particualry welcome there
om
felt bad for dad

we came back home

its 12:10
fed dad and ate and am sitting in my room writing

got nervous becaue Yusra brought out the suitcase. makes me think she's got plans
i understand her desire to flee

been a while

am in the room using Adla's computer for this long overdue update

been reading news all morning.

last night had to change dad...

got up and had complaints about things i couldn't have done anything  about. ignored it

dad is in living room with brown blanket over him after bath

waiting for breakfast. it is 11 a.m.

Palestinian TV is on

i don't usually get very far on these posts. i'm usually a lot more excited about doing them than they seem worth

i'm leaving in seven days. i'm so broke. i only have 100 dollars left in checking account and no cash

dad needs diapers.....

when i get back i will stay in house till i finish five episodes and get money to pay my rent unless i get some major infusion of cash

i usually do when i go home after one of these trips...

easy day

dad is a sleep i am using Adula's computer which is much better than mine.

took the car back. seems like it was a great investment. Yusra, Najat and Dad seemed really happy with the trips.

have prepared my slides for Trees of Abraham Sunday

Jaffa/Jerusalem

Rented a car so was able to go to Jaffa and Jerusalem....

In Jerusalem, dropped off Dad and Najat and Yusra at al Aqsa and went to Holy Sepluchre....
came Yusra was gone...
was having a little trouble getting into the compound...

first time a guy asked me "Are you Muslim?" I just said my dad is inside...

on way out, an Israeli soldier told me "You can't go in."

then when I returned because they were finished, Ysra had disappeared. I went to look for her after a while and went out one of the side gates and then they wouldn't let me in...
The Israelis asked me: "Are you Muslim," I said "I'm Christian but my dad is Muslim." They said i coudln't go in

I told them my dad is inside on a wheelchair and needs help. They tried to help me and brought some Waqf guy

He asked if I was Muslim, I said my dad is and he is sick and needs help

The guy said: Are you Arab? I said I'm from Deir Debwan
Then he said "Didn't you just ocme out? I said "Yes I"m looking for my step mother."
He said "You lost your step mother too?

and they let me in

then we decided to go to Old Man and the Sea in Jaffa

I didn't know how to get to Jaffa never mind Old Man....
we took off got there at night....had so many Israeli taxi drivers help us by giving me direction which way to go

One guy said, "There's a big chimmney on the right go till you see it and go right."

Finally one guy told me to follow him and he showed me the way to Jaffa until we got near therestaurant and it was a bear to find it but we finally did.

it was amazing.... great meal by the sea


then we came back the day before Israeli elections almost got locked out of the west bank

the next day we went to Nablus and I had to go to bathroom so bad and got mad. Anoos and Najat came
we ended up in Jericho eating Dominoes. It was fun

Abde called.

preached

i preached at church. i think it was great:
good comments from several people

came home with Najat
she wants to rent a car so we can go to Jerusalem tomorrow. I think she did

Pastor wants me to preach again next Sunday

disappointment and depression even though i had a pretty good day
i'm acting like i just can't trust my feelings right now because i'm too tired

Saturday night b4 Sunday

couple of cool things happened
I was asked Sunday to preach again tomorrow. Pastor is here

I wanted to preach about the resurrection but then got overwhelmed by the imensity of the subject and afraid that the voluminous information would get away from the thrust of the resurrection

which is that I've had in me for a long time: that after the resurrection everything changed

i was thinking of changing the subject to trees of abraham when i saw a video that is about the resurrection presented in a way that I could relate to. so I'm doing it tomorrow

today Yusra asked me aobut where my money is. I asked why and finally she said that she couldn't pay the power bill and the gas for the oven.

then Anoos came and she told him about it making me look and feel like a tiny bug

then i said "order it" about the gas for the oven. then I went up to the bank to get money to pay for it and then when I neared the bank i saw a truck with gas barrels. i asked the guy if he could bring it by for us and he said he wanted me togo with him which was great. i sat in the truck and went with him and he changed it with Anoos here. it made me look good like a divine appointment and some thing that mattered to Jesus.

then Najat asked me to take the kids to get Falafal in Batiyn which was great.

I took Dad out today and we made it to Attas store. WE sat there about an hour. Atta started preaching and I was about to say something when two men came up.

I am still wearing the Call Unto Me bracelet the whole time I've been ehre. I've had quesitons from Akel and Atta about

also dad has been sleeping good for the last two night. I have been saying "In the Name of Jesus good sleep and good dreams."

I asked Yusra "Who is Jesus mother." She didn't know. I told her she is Miryam. And she told me how she had a picture of Mary with JEsus but dad told her Muslims don't keep that picture in their homes.

today I asked her what she knew about Adam and Eve.

great day/long night

after a great witnessing sess. i got attacked during the day and had to fight hard against that spirit. i went out to get medicine for dad in the rain -- it was raining lightly and then started raining harder. i was praying hard in tongues to break off the power of that evil gimp. i finally felt a break through as i kept listening to praise music on my way to Ramallah through the checkpoint and then I stood at the corner by the concrete eifel tower in teh rain praying hard in tongues. then no cars were stopping to pick me up i crossed the street and decided to just go to the bus station in Ramallah and ride the Deir Dibwan bus which I did. It was good. I was praying listening to praise music and even some rock on teh way. My spirit was freed. I felt a revival. called Yusraa on the way back and said I'd be late she said it was OK.
came back and Najat and Anoos came and we took Dad to Nafeeza and had shakes (banana for dad and me). and came back.

Dad stayed up till 9:30 and slept. He woke me up around 11:30 struggling and taking off his daiper. When I finally got up he had messed on the bed but had also taken out the hose that had been inserted to help him urinate.
I freaked and called Najat and fortunately TAwfiq was on the line and he knew waht to do. He said not to put the hose back in. He said to throw the old hose away and that the doctor had to put another one in. I cleaned him up and put the old condom method on again. he seems OK with it for now.

I am waiting for a call from Najat to see if we have to take him to the doctor to put a hose back in.

he got up ate a bunch of stuff and went back to sleep.

had a bad thing happen. I told Yusra what happened last night. She said she heard the commotion and said "I couldn't do anything."
I said "Yeah you didn't do anything."
She said "Hamdulilah." in a resigned depressed way.

I shouldnot have said that. She has done plenty for such a long time.

it came to a head and I had to apologize for saying that. glad its over

y. broke the fauset int he bathroom. i paid to have it fixed 270 shekels

then moved sixty dollars from paypal to my wellsaccount and got 300 shekelsand bought Dad tape and medicine.

got a counterfeit 10 shekel piece from the pharmacy and returned it. they gave me another one. Akel told me about it when he wouldn't accept it.

talked to Adla on facetime.......
and Susu